Sidaki

ON THE PUBLIC EDUCATION SYSTEM AND ANNOYING, LUDCIROUSLY SHORT-SIGHTED MINISTERS

2011-01-20T13:02:00.002-03:00

I didn’t know what the title of this article should be and so I went with what felt right.

Free primary education is a very noble idea. Such a good idea it was that Kenya was lauded globally for its introduction. Truly, nothing can affect more people, more beneficially than free education. I absolutely loved the idea. I still do, but I believe it must be done right. When the idea of free primary education first came up, I supported the lets-start-first-and-fix-later implementation philosophy (used again in the constitution thing) because I was tired of the empty rhetoric and vapid promises of yesteryears. The only reason I supported it was because I had an absolute belief in our leaders to then go about fixing the problems that would inevitably arise.

The problem that most concerned me, as it did most Kenyans, was that of a decrease in the quality of education. I posited that, after 8 years we would see a decrease in the performance of KCPE pupils to the extent that the Minister would have to create some sort of quota system (This is no 20-20 hindsight, it was obvious) for high school selection. I also envisaged a situation where more Private schools would be opened by the more entrepreneurial to take advantage of the parents fleeing from the now crowded public schools.

All this has happened. And it started a lot sooner than you think. What do you suppose the real reason for no longer ranking schools by performance was? What did he say it was? He said it was to avoid pressurizing teachers into cheating. Tell me you saw through that BS.

So that you don’t think that this article is no more than a chest thumping, self preening “I told you so”, let me tell you what will happen next. There is a headline in one of today’s papers that proclaims “Form one selection blow for rich schools”.

First off, the wealth of the school is nowhere as important as the collective wealth of the parents (I will explain later). Secondly, the wording of that headline reeks of classism (IMHO). An “us-versus-them” type of thinking that pits the poor against the not-so-rich so as to muddy the debate. Thirdly, wth? A blow how?

Walk with me this way a second and imagine yourself as a parent. You have saved and sacrificed to have your child transfer from the crowded school he was in before to a private school. Your decision has been vindicated because your child has performed way above the average and your only concern now is raising the Form 1 fees. Then comes that announcement. You are understandably mad but you soon focus on what to do next. Since your child cannot qualify for the 1st rate public high school or maybe even the best provincial high school around, you opt for the next best thing. You try the middle tier private school. Now multiply this reaction 100,000 times.

No big deal you say? The biggest factor in a high schools KCSE performance (not the only factor by any means) is the quality of students it receives as entrants in Form 1. That is why the KCSE top 10 list is a lot more static/predictable than the KCPE top ten list. If this is true, then in the next 4-6 years, private schools will begin to match and outperform public schools much more (Look, I know there are already private schools on there but let us be generic, for the sake of argument). And what will the Minister do then? Tell the Universities Joint Admissions Board to pick mostly from public schools? Likely. But if you have been following my argument, you must realize that that will only serve to postpone the problem and make it that much more difficult to fix.

How so? The whole scenario will replicate itself at the University level leading to employers shying away from public university degrees. At that point, the entire public education system will suffer a confidence crisis from which there is almost certainly no return. So although the sensational headline “Form one selection blow for rich schools” may be true, it will only be true in the very short term. There will be a mushrooming of new high schools, especially the “academy” types where the secondary school is only a continuation of the primary school e.g. Makini primary vis-à-vis Makini secondary.

Again, you may see this as no problem. My main issue with this scenario is that it increases the gap between the rich and the poor even further. “So, storm crow, what then?” I hear you ask.

The main problem, and one that the government is trying to solve even while trying to direct our attention elsewhere, is that of understaffing and poor facilities. The solution is simple but not easy.

I started this article by stating that I support free primary education. I do. Wholeheartedly. And where education is concerned, half a loaf is certainly better than no loaf at all. My point is that for this project to actually be successful, it must serve to offer benefits and opportunities to everyone and not just be another gold brick on a gold road leading to unrecognized certificates and qualifications.

Steve Jobs, you dig

2007-07-03T03:50:00.000-03:00

So you have managed to blunder your way here again.

Steve Jobs, he invented the iPod. Heard of it?

He has rocking blogs check here, here and here. Enjoy.

Ivanopulo vs. Macromedia

2007-06-26T02:34:00.001-03:00

Hi,

Long time no see?
Anyway, if you are here, you must be bored. Check out this link . For those of you who do not know about Ivanopulo, he is a Russian programmer who is infamous for cracking the protection schemes of Macromedia products. The link details Ivanopulo's correspondence with Steve Wozniak, the head of Macromedia's anti-piracy dept, from Ivanopulo's point of view. It's hilarious.

The conversation happened a whole 8 years ago but that does not take away from the basic comedy of Ivanopulo trying to explain himself. It is not only funny ,but also a relevant example of how international copyright laws may (or may not :)) affect us.

New Attitude

2006-10-26T07:32:00.000-03:00

These white folk on Telly always seem to be remarking on the remarkable warmth and friendliness of Kenyans but every time I hear this I can't help but wonder what in the hell they are going on about.

Here are a few things that have happened to me that make me think I am the last of a rapidly dying breed.

1.
Location: An elevator.
I was in the said elevator with one other person of the opposite sex. I was going to the 12th floor and she was going to the 10th. There was no elevator music and so I decided to have a go at having some palaver with this human being who shared this metal cage with me albeit for a short while. "Hi" I said, "So what is on the 10th floor?"
She looked at me as if I was something stuck under her shoe. I decided to shut-up. When she left the elevator, she looked back at me as you would a fly swimming in your soup.

2.
Location: A matatu.
It was a cool evening after a hard day at the office. After sitting myself in the mat, this lady come in and sat next to me. She was carrying a small baby in her arms. This baby was brand new, not older than two weeks. I decided to congratulate her. "Hi" I said, "So, what is his/her name?"
She didn't even look at me. So I asked again but a little louder. She turned slowly to face me. I mean really slowly. Ships must turn faster at the ports even without tugboats helping them. She didn't say a word. She then performed the same manouver but in the other direction. Thoroughly chastened, I said a short prayer for the child and left it at that.

3.
Location: A watering hole.
It was a cloudless Friday. After a long week I decided to treat myself and go have some drinks. I was having a whale of a time and so I decided to spread the cheer. I called the waiter and told him to go to Table 6 and give them one each of whatever they are drinking. Feeling happy with myself, I continued doing my thing. Five minutes later, A gentleman came to my table and said the following:
"Hi, I'm . I am at Table 6. The waiter has informed me that you are the one that ordered beer for us. Is it that you don't think I can afford alcohol. Or maybe the lady is yours. You know what, I'm leaving. You can have her."
Just as I was beginning to understand what had happened, a lady walked up to me and said
"Thanks alot!' and walked away.

Friendly? I don't think so. Neurotic? Maybe.

So, one day I was relaxing, nibbling on a sausage, at a restaurant after eating a whole grilled chicken. I was in that blissful state Tolkien calls "Filling in the corners". As it happened, this lady came in and sat at my table. I thought of talking to her but my recent experiences had left me decidedly reticent about reaching out to strangers. So she sat there and ordered her meal and began eating it. My mission at the restaurant accomplished, I stood up and left. Later on that night, unknown to her, due to those remarkable coincidences, I found myself sitting behind her in a matatu. She was waxing lyrical to her friend about this extremely rude guy who wouldn’t even pass her the salt at a table in a restaurant she was in earlier that day.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. She hadn’t even asked for the damned salt.

Free Speech, Assholes

2006-10-16T12:15:00.000-03:00

Nasty concept when you really think about it. Wikipedia describes it as the ability to speak without censorship. It goes further to state that the Freedom of speech is guaranteed under international law. This freedom is not always absolute but may be limited for various, obvious, reasons.

The internet was a boon to free speech since it's inception and many great men are constantly fighting the powers that be to ensure that the internet remains unregulated. This is good even though most of the net consists of pornography.

In recent years, bloggers have become a great source of information about what is happening in a particular region. Read chinese blogs to find out what is happening in China. They are actually more reliable than mainstream media. It is my personal opinion that blogging has become popular because it provides one of the last ways in which a person can speak on any issue without any fear of any sort of stigma. The anonymity just enforces it.

Voltaire once said "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it"

A blogger is the last person I would expect to say something that he doesn't mean (On his blog). A blogger, due to his anonymity and the fact that he/she has undertaken to blog, can be expected to speak his damn mind on any issue of his/her fancy. It's the unwritten promise behind what we do. Why visit a blog that is dishonest? It just makes no sense. The moment a blogger puts up a page that is a lie, then he/she has sold out. If you can't speak your mind on a blog, then why start blogging?

That having been said, every blogger is absolutely responsible for what appears on his/her site. This responsibilty cannot be transferred, shared or diluted in any way whatsoever. If you, as a blogger, believes this, then you should always stand by what you say. Do not fear! This is the LAST place where you can speak your mind. Some people may not like what you say. So what! Not everybody loved Tolkien what makes you any different?

"The price of freedom is eternal diligence"

If you fail in being diligent, then enslavement is the consequence and your just reward. You must always look out for things that will either now or in the future stifle your freedom or you will end up like the Americans and their Patriot Act.
The same applies to bloggers. I am talking to you Kenyan bloggers out there.
Bloggers are supposed to be just about as individualistic as one can get. This is why I was so surprised by the fact that most of you decided to join that KBW thing. Don't get me wrong, trying to get young Kenyans to exchange ideas is very noble but the second someone get's kicked off for saying that Tz's president is a "dumb bitch" then KBW have crossed the line.

No doubt insulting the president of our Neighbour is a reprehensible thing but hey, as long as he thinks so then he has every right to say so. I may not agree with what he said, in fact I don't, but I am not going to stop him from saying what he thinks.
I have read some arguments that go that KBW is a private thing and as such they have rules that every member must obey. That is entirely true! But so did the Third Reich. KBW have shown that they have a 'company line' of sorts and that they will only allow certain views. This, again, is fine but you cannot then say that they allow absolute free speech and this in my opinion cuts diametrically across what I think blogging is.

If a blogger can't call Kikwete a 'dumb bitch' on his blog without KBW kicking him off, then I think you should all quit KBW in protest.

Can you tell the next thing KBW are going to be against?

Schumacher

2006-09-11T06:37:00.000-03:00

Dear Schumacher,
I will miss you. I don't care what everyone says,you are the greatest F1 driver and all those claiming that you are not in Senna's class don't know how right they are.
Senna is below you. You have all the records except one

-Most race wins: 90 (previous record beaten in 2001)
-Most race wins with one team: 71
-Most podium finishes: 153
-Most second place finishes: 43
-Most points finishes: 188
-Most pole positions: 68
-Most fastest laps: 75
-Most race wins from pole position: 40
-Most "clean-sweeps" (pole position, race win, and fastest lap): 22
-Most championship points: 1,354

Don't worry about what they say, your fans will always love you cherish and remember you.

I like that you are a racer, pure and uncomplicated.You didn't go there to make friends, you joined F1 to win and no one has done it like you. They claim that with you in F1 it is not a sport. That's there problem not yours. If the opposition can't step up it's there fault. They should all be relegated to racing Go-Carts or they can follow Montoya to Nascar.

If they had their way, they would probably blame you for the arrest of Bertrand Gachot that gave you your break.

Alonso,
You should be happy that you managed to beat Schumi once eventhough Ferrari's car that year was crap and not go around besmirching the integrity of F1 by claiming the race was fixed.When Schumi got penalised in Monaco no-one claimed that the race was fixed.You were 25 points ahead of him at some point. How can you explain losing 23 points. Blame the F1
governing body? Dude, try another one. Better yet, just leave. Go to the DTM series or something if you can't stand the pressure.

Villenueve,
So Schumi drove into you in '97. Stop with the sour grapes. If you were as good as you think, you would have challenged for the title a few more times. Don't blame your career woes on Schumi. How come Raikkonnen has never complained about Schumi? You claim that Schumacher won't be remembered? How about your legacy? Who will remember you?

Trulli,
Dude, you talk to Schumacher? I'm surprised. Instead of talking alot, go ask for
his autograph, You know you want it.

Kimi,
Welcome to Ferrari, I wish you the best. Keep the tradition and destroy Alonso
next season.

As for Schumacher's morals, all I can say is that he is The champion. You don't
become a world champion by smiling, shaking hands and donating to charities. As to whether
or not he is a great man, that is highly subjective. You can't expect Villenueve or Alonso
to think so. As for me, I agree with Niki Lauda.

"If the best guy in the world retires it is certainly a sad day. You can say whatever you want, he won seven world championships and he might win another one. There is nobody like him in the world, he is unique."
Niki Lauda, triple F1 world champion
"

As an aside, I have started a little pet project. Check it out, tell me what you think.

Science Fiction Countdown

2006-05-29T12:42:00.000-03:00

I am a movie buff and a devout science fiction fan. I partake of SF in all it's forms i.e. comics, novels, movies, short stories, whatever.

It has been said that SF has the most loyal fan base of any genre and no fan can say he has not noticed a few common threads in all SF stories.

This blog is therefore dedicated to all inventions of the mind that have enabled SF as a genre to be as uncomplicated as possible.

10. Inertial damping
Entering our countdown at number 10 is Inertial damping. This technology is what makes it possible for the Starship Enterprise to accelerate from a standing stop to Warp 11 without turning the crew and passengers into little more than scrambled meat. According to Newton's first law of motion, an object will stay where it is until/unless acted upon by an external force. This is known as inertia. Without inertial damping, Captain Jean Luke would be smashed against the back wall of the bridge the very second the Enterprise accelerates.

9. Thinkoids
What? Thinkoids are the collective name I give to certain alien species that seem to have no emotion nor desire any. They think of emotion as a weakness and tend to treat mankind suspiciously because of it. The humans are always trying to make these Thinkoids loosen up a bit. If nothing else, they provide an interesting counter point to our more sensational nature. Think Vulcans.

8. Androids
Robots shaped like humans. In some stories, they do the heavy lifting. In others, they tend to provide nothing more than comic relief to the rather serious subject matter the program is tackling. I some, they are highly intelligent and even work with humans as equals. It is interesting to note, however, that in those programs where an android works in the same capacity as humans, the robot never fits in due to the smallest of criteria. Commander Data (Star Trek) couldn't whistle correctly no matter how hard he tried.

7. The noble savage
Another bunch of Aliens. These aliens have organised their society around war. They think it is noble and the only way to go out is to go out fighting. You will find this lot in Star Trek, Far Scape, Babylon 5. Think Klingons.

6. Force Fields
What would SF be without some frantic First Officer yelling "The shields have Failed!" And the type A personality captain replying, cool as can be of course, "Divert all power except life support to aft shields."

5. Teleportation
Yeah. You know that whole thing of guys standing around, Energise, and the dudes disappear to re-appear else where. Makes you wonder, why the hell do they need space ships if they can teleport?

4. Particle beam weapons
Coming in just outside the top three is that most ubiquitous of all technlogical SF inventions, the laser weapons. Clearly , the pundits believe our future holds no place for the current crop of projectile weapons we have now i.e. guns, missiles etc.

3. Artificial Gravity
You must have seen those old films of Armstrong leaping awkwardly across the moon. You must also have seen pictures of white boys in the space shuttle pretending to be doing some science.Now contrast those images with those of Cpt. Jean Luke standing, feet slightly apart, staring down some poor E.T. on that 60 inch plasma screen. The difference, all the rest are foating around. Artificial Gravity guys. Without it, the directors would have to film under water or on a free-falling set. You see, save costs. One of the most ingenious ways of creating gravity I have ever seen must have been in Tin Tin goes to the moon. Prof Calculus had the rocket accelerating at 10 m/s squared. For those not in the know, that equals one Earth G.

2. Hyper space, Worm holes and Warp engines
Space is large. So large in fact that we must begin to think we will never meet anyone else out there. They are just too far. What if we travel very fast? Well, according to Einstein, and most contemporary scientists agree, the cosmis speed limit is Light Speed. That is fast but not fast enough to cover the distances we are talking about in reasonable time. So, SF writers had to find a way to move faster than light. Warp engines work by shifting space and moving it, and whatever it contains at Super-Light speeds (Star Trek). Worm holes are holes in space that open up in another place. The idea that worm holes exist and that they can be directed makes SF alot more manageable. Hyper space is an extension of the worm hole theory. The idea is that you can travel a few hours through a higher dimension (Hyper space), and open a worm hole back into your normal dimension and find yourself light years away from where you started. Cool eh?

1. Universal Translator
This must be the undisputed champion of all the save time and explanation SF inventions. This device enables Alien races from all over the universe to communicate with each other in a common language. No matter how diverse the life forms, they all seem to be able to communicate. This device may be a gadget or a bacteria or a parasite but the end effect is the same. The SF writers and directors must find life alot easier thanks to this device.

And that's it. Thank you for joining us for this nerdy but interesting countdown. Please feel free to write in and give your own suggestions.

AI

2006-02-16T18:14:00.000-03:00

My friend and I were discussing the Sci-Fi movie AI a while back and we couldn’t help but be riotously amused that the first uses we put AI and robotics to, according to the movie, was sex. Stop frowning and watch the movie.

We fantasized about placing our order of robo-chick.

H.O.E. Robots: How may we help you?

Me: I would like a robochick, well rounded.

H.O.E. Robots: Anything else?

Me: Yeah, do you have the 2025 Model? I liked her eyes.

H.O.E. Robots: Well, those were a classic, not available except to our valued customers.

Me: What?! Am I not a valued customer?

H.O.E. Robots: Do you own a Natalie Portman© 2050?

Me: Er… No.

H.O.E. Robots: Then no, you are not a valued customer.

Me: Well, I owned the Monicah Lewinski© 2003 Model, doesn’t that count for something?

H.O.E. Robots: That counts for zip, she was only good at one thing and she couldn’t multi-task. Isn’t that why you got rid of her?

Me: No, she kept staining my clothes. She said she didn’t know why she did it. She said it was a deep seated compulsion.

(It went on for hours)

The fact is, AI is coming and yet we persist in burying our heads in the sand. We refuse to discuss the implications of it's arrival. The theme has been explored in countless novels and movies and yet this only manages to grab our attention for a maximum of 2 hrs. We have been weaned since the early Sci-Fi’s of the fifties to be afraid of AI.
(Forbidden planet,etc)

Personally, I am looking forward to having a conversation with an AI. The human thought processes are conditioned, limited due to unavoidable circumstances like the fact that we have to eat, we have to sleep, religion and that eventually we will die. But here is an intelligence unencumbered by any of those things. Here is an intelligence that can roam into areas that the human mind still refuses to discuss, like what it is to be human. Here is an intelligene that will think of the possibility of there being a god without feeling any guilt.

Here is an intelligence for which the word objective doesn’t even scratch the surface.

Cold, no conscience just logic.

I believe in studying such an intelligence, we will learn what it is to be human in finding out what separates us from that robot. AI is the very definition of Pandora’s Box. Once we let out the genie, it will never get back in the lamp, never.

Perhaps we should be cautious but as Neo was so often told, it IS inevitable.

I’m still looking forward to it though.

Government

2006-02-11T11:53:00.000-03:00

Government is an art, not a science.

In the future, when the curtain closes on this whole shebang, those who look back with the aim of understanding government will realize one thing; good government depends not on rules, laws and procedures but on the character of the ruler.

The problem with laws is that they lack any humanity. They have no conscience and that is why a man in western who steals his neighbour’s chicken will get sentenced to life in prison while the Pattnis and the Somaias get next to nothing. The law is an arse without any guiding conscience behind it.

Laws are written, ostensibly, to protect the weak but we should know that the laws are actually written to serve the powerful. It is the powerful who write these laws so what do you expect. New governments always start well but end up falling into the trap all the rest do. They begin to lean towards autocratic forms and increasingly serving a select group. The group may vary from government to government but it always exists.

It is because of this that experiment of democratic government has, in my opinion failed. It is because of this that voter apathy is on the rise, especially among the more established democracies. The feeling that voting serves no purpose but to give the same batch of autocrats, masquerading as servants of the people, the chance to perpetuate their rule is widespread. We all know this. Think on it, nothing has really changed since our gaining independence. For a moment there was a flash of hope but that’s all it was, a flash. I put it to you that the people in power haven’t really changed. The names have changed, but the people, the ideas, the memes (pronounced meems) are still here.

If it is indeed true that good governance depends entirely on the good character of the rulers, and that the whole machinery of state will be at the behest of the rulers, then it is clear that a great deal of thought must be put into the mechanisms we use to choose our leaders. The idea of a popularity contest must have seemed good at some point in the past but now, with the benefit of hindsight, most will agree that it has failed or at least that it has been subverted.

It has been said that power corrupts. Others have amended that to say that power attracts the corruptible. I tend to agree with the latter. Now reconcile this with the idea of democratic government and you will realize that the only people who run for president are those who WANT to be president and this very trait should count against them. It is quite a dilemma.

I tend to think that our modes of choosing leaders should change. Democracy has at the very least been sabotaged and that the time for something new is upon us. I want good people to run this world. Good people who will do what is right for the majority even if the majority do not agree. Most of you will probably react with disgust at my last statement but I will not retract it.

Quis Cuodes Custodiet?

2006-02-01T07:44:00.000-03:00

Who will guard the guardians?

Guys, do you remember GHC? I do.

One of the first things we learn about in civics is that the government is divided, supposedly, into three arms, the Legislature, Executive and Judiciary. These three arms are supposed to be completely independent of each other to allow them to function for the good of the state (you and I).

This separation is supposed to make it difficult for one particular arm to lord it over the others. A recent example of the success of this principle was the outlawing of those Alcoblow© gadgets that, from my point of view, had come to be quite a menace.

To remind those of you who have forgotten, some bright spark at some police department decided that people were dying too much from driving straight into roundabouts and other vehicles. He (it might have been a she) decided that the problem was that there were too many drunk drivers at night. How else would you explain head-on collisions on one-way highways?

So this bright spark suggested to his boss “Hey, why don’t we pull guys over at random at night and see if they are drunk? Sure we won’t get them all, but at least we’ll get some.”

His boss told him not to be stupid. “I mean, there are some people out there who could be punch drunk and you wouldn’t be able to know.” His boss then passed out.

Our bright spark, being a bright spark, saw his boss’s point immediately. Thus, the Alcoblow© was bought. And for a while, it was okay. Then some other bright, drunk, spark decided that there was no way a machine could smell his breath and decide that he couldn’t get home. “Crap, I have driven home with no memories of the drive the nexsht day.”

So, to court and the cops are told by the judges “That shit is illegal, you can’t go around pointing tubes at peoples mouths and believing what you see. How will we trust that you yourself aren’t too drunk to tell the difference between red and green? Next time you want to do anything of the kind, come and ask if it is legal. Now get out. ”

The system at work eh? Doctrine has become more powerful than reason. Wrong or right, the system worked. This kind of thing is supposed to reduce excesses in government.

Another thing we learnt and have seen in action is that the parliament is the most powerful organ in the country. That is why they have the audacity to tell the government to reduce spending while the first bill they passed was "We will get more money because we need new cars and we need to look after our constituents. And do not ask us why, we are more important than you"

There IS a parlaimentary select committee that is supposed to look into government spending but hello, isn't the damn thing composed of parliamentarians and people in government? Shit, if it wasn't tragic it would be funny. Why the hell would a rational human being write a damning report on themselves? And you actually expect a good report on the Anglo-leasing scam? Pull your head out of the sand!

While the government spend that 800 million on cars, remember that every single MP got a GRANT of 3 Million to buy themselves a car. That's 600 making a total of 1.4 Billion on the cars themselves excepting allowances on fuel and maintenance.
So you see? Parliament and government are in bed together.

Then they run to foreigners asking for 2 Billion to help alleviate hunger. Shit! Maybe we should force them to eat that 4 tonne consignment of dog food.

Who will guard us from the guardians.

WEIRDO

2006-01-30T06:12:00.000-03:00

Tolkien said that we should be wary every time we step out into the world because we cannot tell where the road will lead us. It usually leads to school, to work, to the bar or to all those other places we go to pass the hours before we succumb to the eternal dark. I have a secret prayer, a wish, a great hope that one day when I walk out of the door, my feet will take me towards something or someone so wonderfully strange that my sense of wonder will be renewed.

My greatest hobby is driving along new, lonely roads. By new I mean roads that I haven’t been on before. The feeling I get while cruising these roads is one of peace with an undercurrent of excitement. It’s like I’m asking is this the day? Is this the day that I drive through a portal or something? Is this the day that a dinosaur will walk across the road? Is this the day I will see a pack of dogs on the side of the road with their paws out asking for a lift?

It has never happened though, except once. I believe my brother and I saw something very strange but that is another story.

Those of you more grounded in reality are reading this and shaking your heads. You are asking why someone would want to complicate their lives with otherworldly daydreams when this world offers enough challenges and disappointments.

Do not get me wrong. I am a functional human being engaged in gainful employment. I am not a lazy teenager who spends his time watching TV while waiting for the sun to go down so as to facilitate my nighttime habit of chewing khat with my neighbours. The few of you who, unfortunately, know me will freely accept that this line of thinking seems alien to a self-confessed cynic and pragmatist.

But even philosophers must sometimes suffer toothaches, right? Shakespeare seems to think so.

Last weekend I was going through my humble library, just taking stock and reminding myself of the stories contained therein when something I had known instinctively was thrust rather rudely to the front of my mind.

You see, I was sorting my books. In the boredom of a Saturday afternoon, it had seemed like a good idea. I was sorting them according to genre and author and the greatest by a long shot were, in order of the largest number

1) Terry Pratchett
2) Stephen King
3) Frank Herbert
4) Anne Rice
5) Peter F. Hamilton
etc
etc

Needless to say, these were not the only Authors but they were by far the most popular.

Those of you who know these authors will notice a trend. Frank Herbert and Peter F. Hamilton both write Sci-Fi while Stephen King writes what the critics call Horror and Anne Rice is famous for her Vampire Chronicles©. Pratchett, on the other hand is known for his Discworld© novels which are comic satires that contain some fantasy while being based, almost paradoxically, on logic and science.

That was the blue corner.

In the red corner, I had the likes of Stephen Hawking with his History of Time, Lyall Watson with a book looking at the evolutionary origins of evil, some books on AI and artificial life. Sprinkle this with Machiavelli’s letter to the prince and Sun Tzu’s art of war. These are no-nonsense books with no fluffy thinking at all.

So, the question that came, unbidden, to my mind was ‘Why does my library contain such contradictory works?’ There is no doubt that I immensely enjoy both categories but I can’t be from both worlds can I?

I am either a logical human being with no time for tooth fairies and all that nonsense or I am the kind of person who believes that somewhere in Transylvania there once existed a sick old man who drank people’s blood.

So which am I?

How about both? A weirdo. A person who knows that the world is round but sometimes wishes that it wasn’t so that I could go to the edge and look down at the abyss.

I work like everyone else. I do the normal things like paying bills and arguing with my landlord but sometimes I wish I could go down a rabbit hole to wonderland.

New Year.

2006-01-21T06:22:00.000-03:00

The year ended and another began. Big deal. Another year of failed resolutions and heartbreak. Another year of watching my best laid plans get laid to waste. Another year. So forgive me if you didn’t see me at a bar near you counting down the end of last year like some naïve teenager who actually believes that a change of date has any significance.

What is it about people that they can attach so much to something as arbitrary as a change of date? Remember the Millennium fiasco? Forget even the Y2K thing. I’m talking about those religious goombahs who actually felt that there was something cosmic about us moving into the year 2000, which, I might add, was the last year of that millennium and not the beginning of this one.

Anyway, maybe this year I will get my act right and stop FUCKING AROUND. Oops, was that a resolution? No more fucking around, both metaphorically and literally. Those ladies can go screw themselves (Pun intended). I’m not wasting another iota of my time trying to appease the fragile ego of some self deluded person who thinks that the only way to improve their self esteem is to try and bring mine down.

No more workplace non-sense. If you do not like someone, go and tell them. Do NOT come trotting to me with sob stories every time so and so refuses to return the stapler they borrowed. Go and take it up with THEM. And if the manager has stolen your lady, tough luck, I can’t help you. You shouldn’t have started any shit at work anyway, it never ends well.

If you owe me money, keep it. I’m tired of feeling like a beggar while asking for MY money back. Just don’t expect me to sympathize next time you come around talking about nappies, medicine, rent, the wife and etcetera. I will NOT care.

I am not going to laugh at your jokes if they aren’t funny. Who cares if you think I am a snob? Your jokes are offensive and when they aren’t, they seem to be the product of an overworked toddler’s brain. If you lack the intelligence to understand my jokes, don’t be asking me to explain. Figure it out, you will get it eventually. If you don’t, you were probably the butt.

And to the few people who actually read this site, expect some changes.

De – Mock – racy

2005-11-28T03:06:00.000-03:00

The referendum came, went and Kenya emerged on the other side with a much leaner government (LOL). I can’t help wondering how much we have saved in the last week with these Minister posts empty. The fuel, the allowances, the salaries… it must be staggering. I actually tend to think that if we last one more month without ministers, then Kenya might be the first country in Africa with a budget surplus (LOL).

Kudos to Kenyans for turning up, voting and resisting the urge to pummel the other side, who were too stupid to read the constitution and voted on tribal lines (LOL). To the irresponsible media and local busy bodies who had predicted doom all I can say is, HA!

Democracy has been described by some as the mob mentality that usurps God’s right to appoint Kings (LOL). The wikipedia (the web dictionary) says Democracy in its ideal sense is the notion that the people should have the right to lead themselves.

This brings me to certain MPs who voted contrary to their constituencies. An MP is also a Kenyan (unfortunately) and he/she is entitled to an opinion. However, I believe, once you become a member of parliament, you forfeit your personal opinions and you are now nothing but a vessel to transmit to parliament the wishes of your constituents. That is the only reason the parliament can also be referred to as the House of Representatives. If we allowed ourselves to elect people who go to parliament then vote on issues according to their wishes then the parliament should be referred to as the House of pontificating bastards.

The problem with our MPs is that they believe that Democracy is about doing what they think is right. No doubt as an MP you have the right to try and convince your constituents that a particular course of action is best for them but if they rebuff you, then the onus is on you to fulfill their wishes. This is what is meant by leaders actually being servants.

I watched Showdown on the Wednesday after the referendum and I was appalled at Mirugi Kariuki’s attempts to trivialize a very disturbing trend that the referendum has brought to light. If you as an MP took a public position that has turned out to be contrary to the opinion held by your constituents, then I believe that you must seek a fresh mandate because you are clearly not representing them and this applies to both sides.

If I elect you to parliament, I expect you to go there and reflect my wishes. I do not care if you are a Nobel laureate, a holder of a PhD in economics or a Doctor. If we as constituents tell you that female circumcision is an age old and treasured tradition, then I expect your candy ass to go parliament and say so. If you cannot, quit.

CAVEAT EMPTOR

2005-11-16T13:30:00.000-03:00

Groan if you have a girlfriend.
Yeah, I feel you.
Those of you who have not groaned either do not have girl friends or are in the initial stages where everything is rosy and she still hasn’t asked for money to go do her hair.

“But,” I hear you argue, “There are many old couples around. Surely they can’t be all wrong.” All I can say to that is that they groaned along with the rest of us. If you have had a steady girl friend for more than two days, you know exactly what I mean, especially in these days of Sambaza©.

My whole life I have been something of a loner. Lots of friends but actually very few friends if you know what I mean and so to finally meet a lady (we’ll call her that for now) who actually liked me was as monumental as the introduction of the first mid-engined, rear wheel rive sports car by Lamborghini, or to come closer to home, the introduction of the first FM stations.

Anyway, she was/is a looker (L as in Looker) and I suppose that's why I got drawn in. To say she had a face that could launch a thousand ships to burn down Troy would be gilding the lily a bit, but it could launch maybe fifty to a hundred ships. I forgot the wise words of Magneto in X-Men when he said 'Never trust a beautifull woman, especially one interested in you.' To cut a rather long, sad story short, she was not interested in me but in the money she thought I had(emphasis on thought).

I had to end it when she made it clear that If I did not buy her a phone, she would leave me. The conversation went something like this.

She: Baby, have you got me the phone yet?

Me: I have decided not to get you the phone because I believe you are using me and I feel that you consider me nothing but a walking wallet.

She: (sneering) just say you couldn't afford the phone I wanted. You cheapskate.

Me: Actually, if I did have the phone, I would give it to you but not in the way you expect. I would begin by shoving it up ....

(I went on for about 5 minutes about phones and anatomy and how the two could actually be put together quite nicely. Her face went from a very light brown to a healthy, race-car red)

She: (screaming) Get out! Get Out! Get out!

Me: (Also screaming) Fine! I'm gone. Bitch! (I stormed out)

Me:(Storming back in and pointing a finger at her) And by the way, the Sex was terrible!

She: We didn't have any sex, idiot.(shouting)

Me: Exactly!(Stormed out for good)

Those who know me will attest to the fact that I can be infuriatingly practical, especially in a situation where pragmatism would be considered bad taste. Thus, when it comes to women and money, I can be extremely accomodating. I mean, women have needs and not all of them have or can get jobs. A bitch has to eat is what I'm trying to say and if the only way for her get food is to scrounge off some guy, then it's cool with me. Upto a point.

The thing is both parties have to be aware of the salient facts abouth their relationship. There should be quid pro quo. The problem is that in most of these situations, the quid is there but the pro is gone. It is exactly because of this that I believe it is much better to go for a prostitute than stay with a lady who just wants you for your money. Most of you are going to argue that there is no difference but there is. You can only tell once you have been in.

You see, with a hooker, the scale is linear. If you pay KShs 200 for X, then if you pay KShs 400 then you get 2X (barring inflation and other whatnots). The simplicity and predictability is the attraction. The problem with this other type is that their charge scales are not linear. They do not follow any progressions, Arithmetic or Geometric, they are formed purely on whim which as we know is dependent on other fickle parameters like weather, color of dress, etc.

The cruelty of these women is amazing. They charge you for their company( the currency is usually pizza and lately coffee at Dorman's or Java) and then still expect you to be charming and witty and all those other things. If I'm paying for your company, why don't you be charming and witty and let me sit here and eat. Bitch.

NO BEEF, NO CHICKEN, NO IDIOTS

2005-10-27T18:02:00.000-03:00

A major irritant to the Brits in the last few months has been their cousins across the Atlantic. In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, the British decided to help out by sending a little food aid to the world's most powerfull country (militarily, which is all that matters really).
The Yanks refused. They had a problem with British beef. Mad Cow. FYI Mad cow is something that happens to cows when you force them to become canibalisitc. The condition can be passed on to humans who ingest the infected meat and so the Americans refused the food because it contained some canned beef. Makes you wonder why the Brits didn't elect to send chicken or fish. Unless they were also trying to get rid of some old beef that even Mugabe had refused.

Anyway, the waters receded and the troubled relations between the two countries returned to a more balanced norm. By this I mean the top dogs maintained the appearance of being the best of friends while the British public accused George Bush of being a tyrant and a despot and the American public lauded Tony Blair as the next best thing after the remote control.

Then the parrot died. The said parrot was in Britain and it died of a disease the boffins(Oxfordians, Cambridgeans, etc) refer to as avian flu strain HN51. What we normal folks have been calling bird flu.

With that, the latest addition to the restricted list of items from Britain to the US was all poultry and poultry products. The British farmers are currently gnashing their teeth and telling their MP's that Zimbabwe will probably be in dire need of chicken in the next few months.

You would have thought the Americans were through editing their list but no, they have added an item.

So, no Mad cows, chicken with the flu and no Chris Murungaru.

Put like that you quickly realise that Chris is in good company. I mean, with the deranged cows and sneezing poultry.

FYIChris is the cretin with the glandular problem. The guy who sweats through three shirts every press conference.

When asked why they did it, the Yanks also supplied a list of reasons they would ban someone from their country and asked us to pick the most likely one where Chris is concerned.

They were
- if a person perfoms actions that could have adverse effects on the stability of democratic institutions and nations and undermining US assistance goals.

- if a person commited, participated in or are beneficiaries of corruption in the performance of public functions

So there! He must have done one of the above or both

I need you to understand something, I am not Murungaru's greatest fan. Hell, I am not a fan at all. I also am not one of these mental midgets clamouring at the US asking for exact reasons why they would ban our beloved minister from going to watch the super bowl or catching the playoffs.

But.

I hate to be the devil's advocate

But

Something that does not sit right with me. It may be that instinctual mistrust of white people but.... still, there's something not right.

Many of you reading this may recall, with malicious glee, the corrosive speeches made by Edward Clay. We loved that man didn't we? I mean, he stuck it to the government where it hurt most. Really gave it to them. And with a shaky voice he proclaimed that he was doing this for the Kenyan people. I must confess that my eyes were watery and that I stood up in the sitting and applauded the man. All that for us? My, what sacrifice!

But.

When the High Commisioner was asked, by an enraged and very constipated Ali Makwere, to substantiate his claims he waved aroung making genralising commments like 'it is known...' etc,etc. We let it pass though, it was good comedy.

But.

We know Murungaru wasn't that much before he joined politics. We know this. We know he owned a couple of insurance companies whose books remarkably returned to the black on his joining government. We know he is corrupt. We know this. How?

Kenyan politician = corrupt
Murungaru = Kenyan politician

Therefore

Murungaru = corrupt

Q.E.D.

It's called logic. It was invented a while back by some bored greek.

So, the man is corrupt. Tell us something we don't know. They are ALL corrupt. Logic dictates that Chris must have done something to piss them off. And since it wasn't corruption, or they would all be banned, it must have been

- if a person perfoms actions that could have adverse effects on the stability of democratic institutions and nations and undermining US assistance goals.

In other words, if the US are trying to help you, like they helped the Iraqis, you musn't interfere. They will help you wether you like it or not.

Basically, what I am trying to say is, Chris is corrupt, no doubt. But so are a the rest. Remember this all started when he was still posted at the Ministry of Internal Security.

And this is why I will not blindly trust the motives of the US and British governments.

Having said that, I can't deny that I enjoy seeing the big man sweat.

BAR-TRIOTISM

2005-09-09T08:30:00.000-03:00

I am one of those Kenyan’s who believe that after a long, hard week, the only way to unwind is to consume roughly twelve litres of tusker and two goats.

Last week was particularly long and hard and so last weekend, I was on a mission.

Operation Fagia

Objectives:
- To consume as much alcohol as possible while able to remain standing
- Explore the effects of alcohol on the apparent beauty of women in real-time.
- Create a cocktail with Sambuka, Tequila, Vodka and Tusker.
- Name it.

It was with these glorious thoughts in my mind that I walked into my favourite club last Saturday night.

Scientists and Romans say that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Absolute rot! The shortest distance between two points is actually the path I traveled from the entrance of the club, to the bar. I’m sure I folded space at least twice and used hyperspace to cross the dance-floor.

My man Alex was at the counter. Excellent! I was sure of a line of credit in case my funds run out. Anyway, after exchanging pleasantries with Alex, he promptly handed me my first beer. The first beer is sacred. The bible says that we should offer the first of our fruit to God. I drank the beer with gusto. After all, the thought is what counts. So went the second and the third.

My thirst sated for the moment, I took my fourth beer and poured it into a glass and finally looked round to survey the place for potential mates. I’m a mammal underneath, looking to spread my seed. The beer had given my mind a glow of joy, peace and general camaraderie. Every bastard in the place was my brother; the waiters were demi-gods, walking around bearing rich gifts to some fortunate ass-holes.

I was in this frame of mind when a gentleman sat on a stool next to mine. This is no big deal. Right?

Wrong!

In a place like the club I was, you don’t go and sit next to another man unless the place is packed. We give each other a space of at least one stool. But some people are new, so you give them the benefit of doubt. My mind returned to its previous calm perusal of the vicinity.

The man, after opening his beer, leaned towards me and introduced himself. His name was Waweru.

I was scandalized! In this club, only the whores lean over and introduce themselves. Or, a man leans over and introduces himself to the whore. This mofo was either a whore or thought I was one! Either way, I was NOT interested. I can assure you that an hour’s work was wasted. I was sober. I am not a partaker in what my kid brother insists on referring to as the bitchilization of society. I was about to give this man a piece of my mind when I realized he was leaking somewhere around the eyes.

Damn!

Now this is something I have NEVER been able to handle. Even crying babies give me the willies. Here, a grown man, in a bar full of ladies of negotiable affection, was crying.

My humanity, although deeply wrapped in layers of cynicism, was touched. I asked him what his problem was and if I could help in any way.

He told me that he had just arrived from the States and that he hadn’t even gone home yet. I then informed the gentleman that that was no reason to cry, no matter how bad a wife he has.

"She’s bad, but not that bad." He said. I then explained my incredulity at his behaviour. If not his wife then who? Mother-In-Law?

"No! You wait and listen. I was in a bar in New-York just yesterday. I asked them if they had Tusker and they said yes! Not tusker in a can but the REAL thing! In a bottle!"

After making this pronouncement, the man started bawling like a little child. Under ordinary circumstances I would have fled the scene like after a one-night stand. But, I was touched. So, I stayed. I waited patiently until he had calmed down after which I bought him a beer. He looked at me solemnly and declared that I was a Good Man.

I thanked him and left. Needless to say, Operation Fagia failed. I didn’t name the cocktail because I didn’t have it. All the way home, sober despite my best efforts, I ruminated on Waweru, the man with alcohol induced patriotism and wondered about our once great country. The only thing we are proud of is our beer. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that EABL isn’t even Kenyan.

I could cry, but we DO have good beer.

Fine Print

2005-09-01T07:10:00.000-03:00

Read the Fine Print! They always say.

I saw this on the back of my DVD player

To REDUCE chances of Shock, Do Not remove cover.

What the hell do they mean REDUCE!

I'm sure you'd find this disclaimer stapled to the backsides of some of our politicians

To REDUCE chances of shock, Do NOT elect. Chances are that this person will shock you anyway. Do not place in close proximity to books. Extremely recyclable.
Dispose of in fire.
A wooden stake through the heart would also do the job nicely.

Ngilu has a Diploma in Secretarial. I'm impressed. That's one more than I thought she had. That's definitely one more than Njenga Karume.

Rumble in the jungle

2005-08-31T16:27:00.000-03:00

I use the term jungle here extremely loosely. This is because the location of the rumble was at a place so different from your average jungle that any self-respecting , tree-hugging jungle-lover who loves jungles will probably be offended. Phew.

However, if you take the word jungle to mean a place infested with politicians out to rip each other to shreds, then you are right on the money.

A couple of days ago, our president decided to pay a visit to Kitui ostensibly to meet the people who made his election possible. Personally, I think he was simply bored.

Anyway, Kalonzo(LLB,MP,LDP) and Ngilu(LOL,MP) were both in attendance.

Wherever two Kenyan MPs are gathered together, so shall strife be there.

Ngilu took to the podium in her usual inflammatory manner and
said in no uncertain term that the people should vote YES to the draft on the grounds that it recognises women.

Kalonzo, as is his want, took the podium to address the people,who against all common sense had decided that a good way to spend the afternoon was to listen to politicians. Anyway, he said ,not in as few words as these, that they should vote NO in the referendum. He then went a step further, in direct contrast to his diplomatic experience, and warned the president about dishonest ministers in the cabinet trying to mislead him. I assume at this point Mama rainbow had her panties in a bunch.

Remember, all this is happening in the presence of a rather bemused Mwai Kibaki, who was watching two of his cabinet ministers go at it in public. On taking the stage ,the president, in a rare show of intelligence, simply told the thoroughly entertained audience that they should vote whichever way they think is right for the country. I dare say they were expecting more tomfoolery. I know I was.

Am I the only one who wonders how the cabinet gets any work done?

What work? I hear you ask.

They must meet once in a while. What happens in those meetings?
Do they grind their teeth and stare stonily at each other until someone postpones the meeting?

In any other coalition government, differences of the magnitude we've witnessed here would lead to an election.

But not in Kenya. Nothing can be allowed to interfere with the orgy of looting going on. Nothing.

Much ado about nothing?

2005-08-31T05:32:00.000-03:00

Nation media group, the guys who brought you the nation business directory and effectively killed the Yellow pages, have unveiled their latest project. Easy fm.

A 'new-look' radio station if you believe the hype. It must be. It certainly isn't a 'new-sound' radio station.

After four days days of forcing me to listen to some idiot snoring,
and another idiot counting down from 33,000 and lots of other idiotic nonsense in the name of building suspense, they have come up with something that has managed to sound EXACTLY the same as NationFM.

Okay, maybe not exactly.

And the slogan! EasyFM, the best Music.
After months of preparation that's all they come up with!

SleazyFM is more like it.

You tell me. Any difference?

President Moi Kibaki

2005-08-29T09:56:00.000-03:00

Well, His former Excellency,excuse me, his excellency the former president, Moi, has finally joined the score of politicians that seem to have their minds made up about the new draft constitution.

What's amusing is that they seem to agree on something. They both say we should read it and make up our own minds. Ha!

Kibaki: Read the document and make up your own mind. You will see that you have to vote YES because it's a good document.

Moi: Read the document and make up your own mind. You will see that you have to vote NO because it's a divisive document.

The more things change, the more they remain the same.

Mission statement

2005-08-26T06:09:00.000-03:00

This blog is in existence for one purpose, to prod the Kenyan politician's buttocks. A phrase that here means Kick their collective Ass! Anything else that is written here will be an off-shoot of that primary purpose. Thank you.

Sidaki